... It's Thanksgiving!!!!

Round 1 of approximately 15.

Leave it to Americans to create a holiday entirely centered around our love of eating. While the rest of the world might scoff at our gluttonous ways, it's hard not to be thankful to be American when the mashed potatoes and stuffing are passed around. In honor of our most delicious holiday, CDCI has compiled a list of the scientific reasons calories don't count on Thanksgiving.

The first reason is historical. Although it might not seem like it, today's traditions of football watching, turkey carving, and pie scarfing are all done in honor of the first Americans to stuff their faces in a show of gratitude. From that first meal, generations of Americans have learned that the best way to celebrate friendship, family, and the beginning of the holiday shopping season is to eat until we can hardly breathe. But without pre-ordered Marie Calendar's turkeys and Costco pumpkin pie, how did the pilgrims and Indians manage to create a meal worthy of the holiday? By plain old hard work, that's how! In addition to inventing the ultimate excuse to overeat, the pilgrims and Indians put immense amounts of effort in to the preparation of their Thanksgiving dinner. Imagine how many calories they must have burned hunting, trapping, roasting, growing, shucking, and cooking all of their own food. No wonder they ate so much when they finally did sit down to thank God and their new friends for their bounty.

Lucky for us, calorie deficit is genetic and cultural. That means that all Americans, whether descended from those original feasters or newer to this hungry land, wake up on Thanksgiving morning with a natural calorie deficit. The deficit racked up by our ancestors on the first Thanksgiving has been passed on to us, and manifests itself as an insatiable hunger for mashed potatoes whenever the fourth Thursday of November rolls around. Calories don't count because we are required to eat as much as possible on Thanksgiving in order to fill this ancestral void and honor our fore fathers. 

The second reason calories don't count is physical. As you already know from previous CDCI rules, watching sporting events is a goldmine of calorie-burning activities. The hours of football you'll watch today (while trying to avoid talking to your more annoying relatives) burns at least as many calories as you'll consume in pre-dinner cheese and crackers. See here and here for details.

One green bean is more than enough...

Thirdly, calories don't count because the food is healthy. According to CDCI's completely scientific and accurate definition of the word "healthy," any food:

1. containing one or more pieces of fruit, or vegetables, or

2. eaten in conjunction with one or more pieces of fruit, or vegetables

is good for you. You know that cranberry sauce you reluctantly add to your plate so that your grandma doesn't judge your for going back for a fifth serving of potatoes? Or the two green beans you wedge between your stuffing and yams to keep the gravy from going everywhere? Those fruit and vegetable items are actually making your entire meal healthy. And once again, as we all know, healthy food is calorie free!

The fourth and final Thanksgiving calorie rule is chemical. You might not know that hiding inside one of your favorite Thanksgiving side dishes is a quiet and deadly calorie assassin. Even though some might argue that the fat and oil in gravy make it one of the most caloric items on your holiday table, these people couldn't be more wrong. Holiday meals are made up mostly of starches and carbs that, if eaten on their own, can added inches to your waistline. It's no surprise that our first instinct after spooning these foods on to our plates is to top the whole thing off with a healthy serving of holiday super sauce. The properties that make gravy so delicious are the same ones that make it the best calorie-free companion. The fat in gravy combines with the starches in your food to lead to the immediate combustion of the calories within. Trust us, we're scientists. 

Gravy, nature's favorite calorie killer.

So this year, give thanks that you know your meal is completely calorie free! And if these rules aren't enough, be EXTRA grateful that all other previous CDCI calorie rules are doubly true on a holiday that requires you to chow down. Go forth, patriotic Americans, and eat, drink, and be VERY merry! Happy Thanksgiving!

Pumpkin: fruit (or whatever). Pumpkin pie: healthy dessert. Healthy dessert: calorie free. Calorie free: happy tummy.