Calories Don't Count (As Much) If...

... Carbonated Beverages are Involved.

As the CDCI Staff Doctor, I spend a lot of time researching and understanding new calorie-free theories/studies/techniques and attending calorie summits and food seminars.  At the annual "CAKE (Calories Are Killing Everybody) Conference", I spoke with my colleague, the highly knowledgeable celebrity doctor, Dr. Leo Spaceman, and he shared with me the results of a revolutionary new study.

The results of the study may sound confusing, but just bear with me as I try to explain the science in layman's terms.  It all has to do with gas-exchange.  Simply put, when we breathe we inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, and this gas exchange happens in our lungs.  Our body does not like carbon dioxide; therefore it tries to get rid of it at all costs.  Now, when we consume food along with carbonated beverages, an interesting reaction occurs in the tummy.  As food is broken down by gastric juices, the calories are freed into the "tummysphere" (the empty space in your stomach).

Calories released into the "Tummysphere" by gastric juices.

When you add carbonated liquids, it mixes with the freed calories and traps several of them into each carbo-bubble.  

The freed calories become trapped in carbo-bubbles.

The calorie reduction occurs when the little CO2-calorie-filled carbo-bubbles travel up the esophagus and are expelled from the body through...eructation!!  It may sound rude, gross, and impolite, but when people burp, they are actually releasing calories before they are absorbed in the intestinal tract.  

Calories being released from the body through eructation.

However, some of the calories do sneak right on by and do not get "bubble trapped" so there is some minimal calorie absorption.  Also, if a person belches within a 5 foot radius of you, do not breathe for at least 5 seconds (remember "5 foot - 5 seconds").  If you do, you could easily inhale the calories that the person just released and the calories would go straight to your lungs where they are absorbed instantly!!

So, be sure to enjoy a nice flute of champagne, glass of iced Coke, and/or a tall, frosty mug of your favorite ale with your Thanksgiving meal tomorrow, and don't be shy about releasing all those calories.  Doctor's order*!!

*In theory.