...Lawyering is involved.

As a struggling law student, I can tell you that it is very important to know your caloric rights. Following the precedent set in Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough v. My Ass, the court held that food in dough form does not have any calories. Infamously, the court also held that any alcohol consumed with food dissolves calories in Strawberry Daiquiri v. Lovehandles. The Circuit Court of Caloric Appeals (which houses the honorable Judge Paula Dean) has a history of expanding caloric rights in order to take the plight of slow metabolisms into account.

The reason I am writing on these triumphs is to explain the science behind a new rule: that calories don't count while lawyering. The facts show that the sheer mental energy required to comprehend legalese and the ridiculous language of olden courts burns so many calories that it is actually necessary that large amounts of calories are consumed while lawyering.

But how does this affect those who do not want to kill themselves on a daily basis (aka not in law school)? Well, lawyering is based in logic and argumentation. Therefore, while engaged in a particularly nasty argument over who should have gotten kicked off of Skating with the Stars, it is paramount that you consume calories. Those will be subsequently burned by your brain power, and thus the food is calorie-free. This also applies to any time that you make a logical conclusion and then finish your sentence with a How I Met Your Mother inspired "lawyered."

Trust me, I'm a Calorie Scientist/Glorified Paralegal.