... It's Dip.

Any education in the science of calorie counting would not be complete without a detailed lesson about the States of Calorie Matter.

Think all the way back to 3rd grade science class (don't worry, remembering things burns tons of calories). You learned that all matter exists in three states: liquid, solid, and gas (there was something about plasma in there too, but I don't remember because it was third grade and I wasn't paying attention because I wanted to go home and watch Hey Arnold and eat a lunchable.)


Anyway, between chugging Squeez-Its and destroying your friends in hand ball, third grade you learned that matter can ONLY exist in these three (four?) states. What's more, you learned that each of these states have specific properties that help classify them. Solids are, well, solid. Liquids are all watery or whatever. And gasses are like air and tend to escape from the most embarrassing parts of  your body at the most inconvenient times. This is everything modern science has learned about all of the matter in the world.


It was with this extreme knowledge of regular matter that we calorie scientists set about investigating the States of Calorie Matter.

It was clear to us from the beginning that calories must also exist in different states, since Mac n' Cheese cheese is at once a powder and a sauce. What was also clear was that these states of matter would not fit neatly into regular science's boring old categories. One type of calorie in particular stood out among the rest as inherently unclassifiable by modern standards - The dip.


Take chunky salsa- the chunks are obviously solids, but they are often surrounded by a delicious spicy ocean of salsa juice. How can we classify such an enigma?


And then there's artichoke dip. Underneath is a warm and irresistible artichoke sludge, too wet to be purely solid and too thick to be purely liquid. And on top? A layer of cheese (solid) and usually, if its good, a pool of oil (liquid). So what is it?

The only answer to these all-important questions was to create a new category specifically for these calorie conundrums. Calories can exist in FOUR states of matter: solid, liquid, gas, and DIP.


Dips are somewhere in between liquid and solid. They are confusing, intriguing, delicious, and most importantly- impotent. Calories do not count if you are eating dip because they lack clearly defined properties. Calories that fall in between a solid and a liquid slip through the caloric cracks. What's more, dips act as solvents- dissolving calories in any food that is dipped in them.


So go ahead and enjoy your ranch dressing drenched veggies. Slather your mozzarella sticks in marinara. Pile on the hummus to your pita. These dips are calorically impotent, making all foods eaten with them calorie free!


And feel free to high-five your third grade self for her important contribution of calorie science!