... Your food is spicy.

Recently, while watching an episode of Nikita on the CW, I developed a fairly intense case of heartburn. At first, I thought it was anger about the show so blatantly copying one of my old favorites (Alias did it better). Then, I thought it was because 13-year-old me was squealing inside while watching Devon Sawa and Shane West on the same screen.

There is no cure for Shane West Syndrome.

But then, in a flash of caloric brilliance, it came to me: my heartburn probably had something to do with the half eaten bottle of extra hot salsa sitting in front of me. Luckily, as a calorie scientist, I was able to appreciate my heartburn for what it really was- a side effect of spicy caloric combustion.

Spicy foods have no calories! This is because the very ingredients that make your tongue, eyes, throat, and stomach burn are also burning up all the calories in your food. If you want your food to be both healthy and delicious, man up! Add salsa, hot sauce, habanero chilis or, for the weaker among you, even pepper to anything and everything you eat. Voila! Calorie free.