... You're traveling.

After a long hiatus, the Calorie Scientists are back and bringing you the latest-and-greatest from the calorie-free scientific community!

A perk of now being an elderly person (OMGguyswestartedthiseightyearsago) is having slightly more money to travel than we did as starving students living off of Trader Joe's balsamic vegetable medley. And icing on the proverbial cake: Calories don't count while you're traveling! We've already covered the science behind no calories during air travel—particularly useful now that Virgin America exists and offers unlimited drinks and snacks—but this benefit extends far beyond the walls of those pressurized purple cabins.

The logic is: Your body acclimates to its home environment, and recognizes food items that you typically eat while in that environment (e.g., kale and quinoa... or burritos—also calorie-free, because obviously). When you shift to different locations/timezones/eating habits, your body simply can't keep up. Similar to Google Maps in a no service zone, it can't immediately identify its location and expends excessive energy trying to digest this change (see what I did there?). This period of confusion can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, depending on the distance you've traveled and length of your trip. During this time, all food and drink is understandably calorie-free.

Calorie-counting picks up again when you're back in familiar territory, so make sure to have that extra margarita (...or three) while you can—your beach bod will thank you later!

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Editor's Note: While weighing whether or not to end this entry with a witty hashtag, it came to my attention that hashtags didn't exist the last time we posted on here. Uh, what. #CDCI

... If You've Exercised. At all.

You might not be surprised to learn that calories don't count if you've participated in any exercise at all during the course of the day. In fact, most of the time, just thinking about exercising burns enough calories to make up for your third go at the bagel bag on Office Bagel Friday.

Exercise is as mental as it is physical. Think about it- no one LIKES to exercise. The people who say they do are either lying or overwhelmingly annoying. Either way, they're not normal and no one likes to be around them. The rest of us have to spend a lot of time mentally preparing to force ourselves off of the couch and away from the box of cereal we started eating while watching a Top Chef marathon. That mental work out begins the calorie burn immediately and has big calorie effects.

After you've thought about maybe exercising at some point in the future, the calorie burn of any and all movement that follows is multiplied exponentially. This is because thinking about exercise sends chemical signals from your brain to your muscles. In order to prepare for the work they'll soon have to do, you muscles then begin burning calories right away as a warm up. When you actually do start working out, even the slightest movements can burn massive amounts of calories. In order to gauge how much exercise you are actually getting on a daily basis, please see the following definition.

ex·er·cise

/ˈɛksərˌsaɪz/ Show Spell[ek-ser-sahyz]  noun, verb, -cised, -cis·ing.

1. bodily or mental exertion, esp. for the sake of training or improvement of health, including but not limited to:

       a. walking to and from the bathroom

       b. opening the fridge and or kitchen cabinets

       c. walking up stairs

       d. standing and pushing buttons in an elevator

       e. walking to your car

       f. taking out the trash

       g. shopping

       h. making breakfast/lunch/dinner

       i. sitting upright

2.

something done or performed as a means of practice or training: exercises for the piano, exercises in TV watching, exercises in making the perfect cup of tea.

3.

to use or display in one's action or procedure: to exercise judgment. (Be sure and judge everyone around you all the time- it burns calories!)

4.

to make use of (one's privileges, powers, etc.): to exercise one's constitutional rights, one's right to party, etc.

... You're eating while drinking alcohol.

Mmmm...

As any respectable scientist (calorie or otherwise) would confirm, alcohol is a solvent of organic matter. This means that when alcohol comes into contact with food, it dissolves the sugars, fatty acids, essential oils, hydrocarbons and other compounds that make up that food. Translation? Eating while drinking means that your food calories disappear instantly! It is very important to note, however, that alcohol must be consumed consistently during the eating process, as food that is not ingested either immediately before or after taking a drink will contain calories. This rule applies to any and all forms of alcohol, so long as the beverage contains an alcoholic content of above 2% (below 2%, the alcohol amount is too low to fully dissolve calories).

So that scrumptious donut you've been pining after? Pair it with an Irish coffee for calorie-free eating! Or that burger and fries combo your waistline has been begging you to overlook? Forget the milkshake and add a beer - your body will thank you for this wise choice! But as always, CDCI blogosphere, make sure to enjoy this rule responsibly; we're not trying to promote rampant drunken debauchery here at CDCI (well, at least most of the time).

... You're preparing the main course.

It's nearly impossible to not eat when you're busy slaving away over your dinner, even if that dinner is a microwavable lean cuisine. Luckily, calories consumed while making your real meal fall into two categories, both of which have been scientifically determined to be completely calorie free.

Strategic Calories:

The first type of calorie is the strategic calorie. Preparing a meal takes incredible brain power and strategy. You have to think about a multitude of dizzying food factors.  What flavors go together? Are you overcooking your pasta? How can you boast about what you just made to your roommates and still avoid having to share with them?  You're guaranteed to burn off any of these strategic calories every time you flex your brain power to worry if you've added too much salt to your risotto.

Even throwing a frozen personal pizza into the microwave requires a lot of thought. Should you add hot sauce? Or should you pair it with Parmesan and ranch? What about adding a salad and garlic bread? How can you be expected to answer these tough questions without taste testing your options. You might even need to sample a variety of flavors (Parmesan flavored wheat thins, or Cool Ranch Doritos, for example) in order to be inspired enough to create a true Lean Cuisine culinary masterpiece. Therefore, any calories you consume while strategizing, testing, and getting inspired for your meal don't count. Your brain is working so hard to make a Top Chef worthy meal, it's burning at least as many calories as you're taking in while cooking.

Sustaining Calories:

Sustaining calories are those calories you need to take in in order to handle all of the physical demands of cooking. Ever watched a professional chef prepare a meal? They're usually sweating straight through their fancy chef hats! That's because whisking, stirring, chopping, and opening microwaveable frozen pizza boxes is tough. No wonder you get so hungry while waiting for your dinner to be ready, it's amazing you can even remain standing without eating something that will help keep your strength up. So don't be afraid to chow down while you're cooking, otherwise you might not live to taste your expertly crafted meal.

...You're eating cheese on National Cheese Lovers Day

I know what you're thinking... Our calorie scientists here at CDCI have already delved into the scientific rational behind why calories do not count on holidays. So why the need for seemingly overlapping rules? Well, I must admit (while crying in shame) that some of us (not me) did not know that National Cheese Lovers Day existed until today (again, clearly not me). Because of this sad fact, we feel it's imperative to clarify calorie rules as they apply to this joyous holiday.

Because of the cheese-based nature of National Cheese Lovers Day (NCLD), science dictates that only cheese is to be considered calorie-free today. This is because, though it is a day of celebration for cheese lovers across the globe, it is not widely recognized as a holiday and thus does not fit neatly into our "holidays=calorie-free" model. That being said, cheese can be consumed in droves today sans calories, so we're pretty confident here at CDCI that we won't hear too much griping about the specifications associated with this rule.

The basic explanation behind calorie-free cheese consumption on NCLD is as follows - when your brain distinguishes that a given holiday involves food, it triggers an intense desire to eat foods generally associated with that holiday. Ever thought of Thanksgiving dinner and right away felt an insatiable urge for mashed potatoes, gravy and pumpkin pie? That's your brain inducing what's called a "Gastro-Holiday Connection Reflex." Because of this reflex, your body suddenly requires an increased intake of whatever delicious eats may be generally associated with that holiday. What does this mean for calorie purposes? Since your body demands such specific foods on days like these, it actually burns those foods at an abnormally rapid-fire rate (think of it as your body being REALLY excited to get what it wants!). Because of the rapidity with which your body enjoys and burns the yummies you've eaten, calories do not have time to register as having been consumed. So even though your body will feel the happily nourished effects of having eaten what it craved, it will have burned all of the calories before truly recognizing them.

Fromage away today, CDCI blogosphere!

... Someone else is paying.

As a newly single CDCI blogger (why helloooo gentlemen) who is just starting to get back on the dating scene, I can speak with authority and experience on this subject. Turns out, the calories in food start out nutritionally empty, meaning that they have no caloric value. Scientists refer to this as the "caloric potential" state of food. It is only once the food is paid for that those calories are filled with their nutritional (and not so nutritional) value. Technically, when an individual makes a payment that shifts the caloric potential state, those calories can only assign themselves to the individual who made the payment.

What does all this scientific hullabaloo mean? It means that if you're on a date with a hottie and he is paying, feel free to order dessert because those calories are incapable of assigning themselves to you. For all of my fellow single ladies out there who want to keep it tight for potential new men, just save your binge-eating for your dates because we all know that there is nothing sexier than a woman inhaling a 12 oz. steak and a slab of red velvet cake.

All the single ladies, now put your forks up!

Buyin' a sub, just broke up, I'm eatin' my own little thing.

Decided to dip, into the chocolate,

Now all the brothers noticin' me.

I'm eating this, I'm scarfing that,

Don't pay me any attention.

I did the gym, when I was with him,

You can't get mad at me.

... You're shopping for new clothes.

My fellow ladies can attest to the fact that there is NO task more frustrating than trying to find a new pair of jeans to replace the ratty pair you’ve been wearing since high school. I have no idea why those hole-covered size 6 American Eagle jeans make my ass look better than all the pairs of Page Premiums or Sevens in the world, but I digress. The emotional process of shopping brings us to yet another calorie rule – that calories do not count when shopping for new clothes.

The intense mental energy of dealing with your body issues combined with the physical exercise of jumping up and down in front of a dressing room mirror while trying to squeeze into jeans literally demolishes calories. Plus, carrying arms full of skirts, going out tops, and chunky jewelry is equivalent doing a full set of weights at the gym (this fact is supported by my personal trainer*). So, when you smell that Cinnabon on your way out of Macy’s, indulge yourself in a 1200-calorie treat because those calories will all be burned off with a skip over to Nordstrom’s Rack anyway!

Enjoy, my savvy shoppers.

*I am my own personal trainer.